"I'm Called 'Mister' Mashburn"

By John Richard Jackson, signed "j jackson," 1991

Heads up: ViolenceFirearms

John Richard Jackson typed this poem on a single sheet headed "Mineral County High School Circa 1930's" and signed it "j jackson 1991." It was found among his papers and does not appear in any of his six books or in his manuscript "Please Go to Hell." Its subject is Charles S. Mashburn, named as High School Principal in John's own high school yearbook. The sheet carries no title of its own; the title above is editorial, quoting the poem's first line.

Black-and-white photograph of a dirt street in Creede with two men standing at the left and three small children in coats and knit caps at the right, one girl holding a long rope or handle; a wood-sided building with tall windows and a small white outbuilding stand behind them, with hills beyond. — Photograph printed at the top left of the sheet, without a caption. The sheet's heading suggests a Creede school scene, but the page does not identify the building or the people.

Black-and-white head-and-shoulders portrait of a man with short dark hair in a dark suit, white shirt and dark tie, facing the camera. — Portrait printed at the top right of the sheet, without a caption. Presumably Charles S. Mashburn, the poem's subject, though the sheet does not name him.

MINERAL COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL CIRCA 1930's

I'm called "Mister" Mashburn, the stern man said
as every student nodded his or her head

you're here to learn, not to play around
and you'd better believe I'm as mean as I sound

your lady teacher is called Miss Bayne
all eyes turned to Tommy and Raymond E. Lane

the first semester would find this pair
getting special tutoring that would curl their hair

you won't talk, snore or sniffle while you're in my class
and I will have to expel any boy passing gas

we'll start off the day with Algebra One
then to Latin and Physics while you're still having fun

Miss Bayne has English in the little North room
better put on your coats, it's as cold as a tomb

there's a four holer toilet and a tin covered shed
where you'll find wood and coal to keep the heaters fed

if there's anything else....yes, what is it Joe?
Mom gave us castor oil and I really have to go

then Mildred screamed, leaped straight in the air
after Frankie whispered "there's a spider in your hair"

Bobby shook the grates on the old round heater
threw some bullets on the coals, prayed "forgive me St. Peter"

explosions rattled windows, soot and ash were flying
the boys were all laughing and the girls were all a'crying

Mister Mashburn doffed his sweater, threw his tie towards his chair
trotted down the aisle and grabbed Bobby by the hair

with his left arm holding Bobby and his right 'round Frankie's neck
he rammed their heads together and dropped them on the deck

thus, order was restored in Mister Mashburn's class
until Arlene hollered "Chuck, I think Cloy's passing gas"

my name is "Mister" Mashburn, I told you at the start
and until you call me "Mister" he can ~~fart and fart and fart~~ blow his desk apart (amended)

j jackson 1991

The last line is shown as it stands on the sheet. The typed ending, "fart and fart and fart," is struck through, and "blow his desk apart (amended)" is written in by hand beside it.

The same prank is told in prose in John's book "Echoes from the Thundermug," in "College Recruits," where Bob Blackburn puts a handful of .45-caliber cartridges in the high school's wood-coal stove. The two versions differ, and both are kept as John wrote them: in "College Recruits" it is superintendent Charles Mashburn who adds coal and shakes the ashes down, the girls run for Miss Krausnick's room, and the class is dismissed for the day; in the poem Bobby shakes the grates himself, the other teacher is Miss Bayne, and Mashburn restores order by knocking Bobby's and Frankie's heads together.

"Chuck" is Charles Church, identified from John's high school yearbook. The other classmates are named only by first name, apart from Raymond E. Lane. Possible identifications are recorded on the Name Index and are not confirmed. Miss Bayne has not yet been found in any other record.

Scan of the full typed sheet: the heading Mineral County High School Circa 1930's, a street photograph at top left and a man's portrait at top right, the poem in typewriter type below, the final words blacked out with a handwritten replacement, and the signature j jackson 1991. — The complete typed sheet, showing the handwritten amendment to the last line.